Communication

One of the best tools for a caretaker is communication. Without it, you can feel alone. That can lead to depression. When my mother was taking care of my father, she isolated herself quite often. She stopped playing tennis and going out to lunch/dinner with her friends. She didn't like to talk about her situation. She was embarrassed to have other people be around my father and see how he behaves. He wasn't able to communicate well. He would say odd things and not be able to participate in a conversation. She only wanted to talk to people closest to her - my sister and myself. Sometimes she would open up to her sister or a couple of close friends, but not often. She had a difficult time hearing, so talking to her on the phone was not easy. The best tool she used to talk to us was using email and Instant Messenger. Sometimes she would text us on her cell phone.

After my mother had a stroke, I used a site called Care Pages to communicate with family and friends to keep them up to date on what was happening.

Suggested Forms of Communicating With Loved Ones

• Phone
• Email
• Instant Messenger
  
• MySpace (Weblog space)
  
• YouTube (Share Videos)
  
• CarePages (Free Webspace)
  
• Blogger (Create your own blog)
  
• Picasa (Share Pictures)
  
• Flickr (Share Pictures)
• Mail (yeah ... the Post Office)
  

Managing my parent's lives

My parent's home is in New York and my sister and I live in California. For the last couple of years, my mother became overwhelmed with taking care of my father, the house, the bills, and herself. Something had to go. She chose to take care of my father. She let the house go, stopped cooking, and stopped taking care of herself. I spent a whole day with her going over the bills and helping her figure out how to manage her bills. I created a spreadsheet of every bill with all of the information that I needed to help her just in case she needed it. I told her to call me if there were any problems. This worked out well with taking care of the bills.

Since my mother didn't cook anymore and my father required a low-salt diet, I hired a personal chef (see Shilloh link on right) to come to their house and make meals that they could freeze and then microwave. My mother refused to let anyone come in and clean the house, so she did the minimal amount of cleaning in between taking care of my father and sleeping.

My father began to need more than basic care as his disease became progressively worse. He couldn't eat by himself, he couldn't go to the bathroom by himself and he couldn't walk without help. Sometimes he would fall. I went to New York to teach my mother how to use a Depends and use bed liners. I got my father a walker and showed my mother how to help him walk. I looked for resources that were available to them to help them around the house. When my father got sick, he went to the hospital, a rehab, and back to the hospital. This time I convinced my mother to let me put him in a nursing home.

A few months later, my mother had a stroke. Now I had to make decisions for both of them.

Suggested Way to Help with Bills
(Don't forget you are not responsible for any one else's bills but your own)

• Write out checks and have loved one sign checks
• Have bills forwarded to you
• Pay Online
• Automatic deductions from Bank Account
• Pay by phone

It was seven months ago today.

That's when I got the news. My mother had passed away. It was a great shock to me. She was one of the healthiest people that I knew - until she had the stroke 70 days before she died. When I was growing up, I don't remember her going to the doctor. The only time I remember her going to the hospital was to give birth to my sister and for an appendectomy. She ate healthy she was in good shape, and she was thin - perfect for her age and height. In her 40's, she swam, did yoga, and tap danced with her friend. When she turned 50, she started playing tennis. She played tennis until a couple of years ago. When she drove someplace, she never tried to get the closest parking spot because she was able to walk just fine.

So when I got the phone call from her neighbor saying that there was something wrong with her and the paramedics were taking her to the hospital, I was very surprised. I was able to talk to her on the phone and she said - as always - "I'm fine". I wanted to believe her. I eventually found out that she had been on high blood pressure medication for a while. The doctor took her off of it because she didn't like the way she felt and he thought that she didn't need it anymore.

I imagine it was the stress of being my father's caregiver for so many years that took a toll on her health. My father had Alzheimer's and had been moved to a nursing home a few months before my mother had the stroke. She didn't want him to leave the house. My mother was willing to take care of him 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, just to have him with her.

I had a hard time dealing with her death. I kept distracting myself, mostly by watching TV when I wasn't working. After a couple of months I searched for something a little more healthy. I wanted to do something that was a stretch for me - things I had never done or thought I would enjoy.

I went to a meditation class. I learned some tools that helped me when the feelings became over bearing. Then I learned to knit by reading books and looking online for information on knitting. I joined a knitting group. That was all very therapeutic, too.

Then I took a writing class. I enjoyed it thoroughly. I hated to write when I was in school, but this class was fun. I was sorry when it ended. And then I decided to start this blog.

Suggested Stress-Relieving Activities for Caretakers:

• Swimming
• Yoga
  
• Meditation
  
• Dancing
• Walking
• Tennis
  
• Dining with friends
• Knitting
• Arts and Crafts Projects
• Writing
• Photography